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breaking-the-news:

Breaking the News - October 8, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show have stopped touching themselves long enough to break the news this week. Their new fears are Segways, Kirstie Alley lap dances and the possibility of Snooki’s book being scratch-n-sniff. They do not, however, fear the headlines. Nor should you.

Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from the last couple of weeks…sort of.

In our top story, Christine O’Donnell said recently that God is guiding her campaign. In a public appearance O’Donnell claimed, “He tells me what to do while I’m simply relaxing in my pentagram, surrounded by black candles and goat’s blood. And not touching myself…ever.”

During a recent trip to Cleveland, Ohio, Jimmy Carter was hospitalized after a brief medical “episode.” Sources confirm that Carter simply had an upset stomach. City leaders have responded by renaming the city Heaveland.

Tragically last week, the owner of the Segway company died after riding one of the machines off of a cliff. During a tearful press conference, a company spokesperson said, “I was going to lighten the mood with a joke about a cliff, but had no segue into it. It’s what he would have wanted. Well, that and not falling off of a cliff.

In a related story, the black box from Mr. Heselden’s Segway was recovered early this week and revealed that his final communication was, “This gorge is totally jumpable.”
Last week, in a surprise announcement, automaker Hyundai recalled some 2011 Sonatas. Experts were unimpressed and responded in a statement claiming, “Incompetents! Mozart and Beethoven never had to recall a sonata.

In international news, in what is widely seen as the first steps to succession of leadership, North Korea’s vertically challenged despot, Kim Jong-Il appointed his son Kim Jong-Un general. However, some Korean experts say the elevation to general gives no clue as to his successor due to other recent Kim Jong-Il appointments which include: Favorite dog, Kim Li’l Jong-il – Prime Minister; Goldfish, Goldie – Ambassador to the UN; Favorite socks, nameless - Secretary of the Interior; Favorite soup, Campbell’s Chunky Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables – Secretary of Agriculture; Li’l Kim – Poet Laureate and The sunglasses – Supreme Eye Protector.

In other international news, a Toronto judge struck down Canadian prostitution laws, thereby decriminalizing prostitution in the country. To put the ruling in perspective for international audiences, a representative from Canada’s tourism board said in a statement, “So, now you can screw a hooker, get the clap and then get the meds for free.” New ads promoting travel to Canada have already been released with the slogan: Come for our cheap meds but stay for our hookers, eh?

Here in the U.S., Atlanta pastor Eddie Long has been embroiled in a controversy involving male parishioners accusing him of forcing them to have sex. In a recent interview, Pastor Long denied the allegations saying, “This situation has been completely blown out of proportion.”

On Sunday, two men were arrested after unsuccessfully attacking a patron at Manhattan’s iconic gay bar, the Stonewall Inn. In a press conference, the chief of police gave this warning, “It’s probably not a good idea to pick fights with a roomful of guys who spend a lot of time at the gym.”

A new report reveals that executions in the United States have been put on hold due to a shortage of one of the drugs used in lethal injections. Not to be deterred, states have begun allowing prisoners to take their own lives after subjecting them to such experiences as a Kirstie Alley lap dance, forced viewing of Hour 72 of the Today Show, living with Mel Gibson and a Jersey Shore marathon among others.

In celebrity news, sources confirm that Kirstie Alley has actually lost 50 pounds. Which, according to economists, is about 80.95 in U.S. dollars.

In related chunky celebrity news, a scandal erupted last week when Christina Aguilera was caught eating while being famous.

In other news from Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston was voted the world’s most eligible single woman by 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair. Hollywood insiders say it’s clear that the people connected with 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair are either too old for Ms. Aniston or too gay.

And finally, rumors this week suggest that Jersey Shore’s Snooki is writing a book. If true, this would be the first book Snooki has read since reading One Fish Two Fish, Drunk Fish Blue Fish. Inside sources say she is resisting the use of a ghost writer because she thinks the idea is “icky…creepy…scary.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m not touching myself.

Maybe.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.